Let's talk about the first year of parenting
Chapter 26: When things can't be fixed- spotting the signs of relationship breakdown and domestic abuse
Becoming a parent is about so much more than just taking care of a baby – it involves changes in all areas of your life and it can be everything from fantastic and fulfilling to overwhelming and exhausting… sometimes all at once. It can be hard to work out what’s normal and what’s not, about everything from newborn baby behaviour, feeding and sleep, to your postnatal body, mental health, and relationships including who does the chores and who goes back to work and when.
In this warm, reassuring and practical book, Amy Brown talks you through the first year of parenthood, helping you navigate some of the challenges caring for a newborn can bring for both parents. She focusses on you and your needs, while recognising that each family is unique, in a broad discussion that also tackles men’s mental health and dads staying home, and the experiences of single parents and same-sex couples.
The central focus is on making sure you get the information and support you need, whatever your circumstances.
Chapter twenty-six
When things can’t be fixed – spotting the signs of relationship breakdown and domestic abuse
Sadly, sometimes relationships cannot be fixed. The previous chapter was all about strategies for working together to improve your relationship and be a team. But it all relies on you both wanting to be in that team, and a willingness to put in the energy and effort to help each other. Sometimes relationships simply break down. You realise you have grown apart or want separate things. But sometimes there are deeper issues around control, coercion and violence that you might need support in escaping from. Both men and women can be victims of domestic abuse. However, women experience higher rates and more serious injuries. They are also more likely to experience coercive control.1 On top of that, the most common time for a woman to experience domestic abuse is when she becomes pregnant, and the majority of women who are victims of abuse are either pregnant or have dependent children.2 Data from 2018 collated by Women’s Aid from domestic abuse organisations in England found 6% of women who accessed help were currently pregnant (compared to a figure of roughly 2% across a population), with 58% having dependent children.3
However, it is likely that the numbers of women actually experiencing abuse are much higher. It is extremely difficult to accurately report how many women experience domestic abuse each year. Many women will not report it, either from fear of further consequences, fear of not being believed or sometimes not even realising that what is happening to them is abuse. To show the scale of it, data shows that every hour the police across England and Wales receive over 100 phone calls relating to domestic abuse, yet other surveys have shown only around one in five women will ever report an incidence.4
Many women will not ever report abuse, or will wait to experience multiple occurrences before they contact anyone.
There is a difference between reporting domestic violence in a survey or to a health professional and making an official report to the police. In research that tries to estimate the number of women who experience domestic violence in pregnancy, figures suggest much higher rates than 6%. For example, one study in Ireland that examined antenatal records found that 12.9% of women reported a history of abuse, while a survey in northern England found 17% of pregnant women reported a history of physical, emotional or sexual abuse. On average this figure is 35 times.5
Why does domestic violence increase in pregnancy?
Lots of reasons have been considered to explain why violence may increase during pregnancy – none of which are your fault. Research has shown that for some men sexual jealousy increases alongside what they perceive to be a limitation on your sexual availability. Some are jealous of your relationship with the baby. Others are worried about the changing status of your relationship or financial concerns. Some seize upon a woman’s increased physical and potentially economic vulnerability during pregnancy, or conversely are jealous of her perceived sexual and reproductive power.6
Some doubt they are the father of the baby or want to end the pregnancy, particularly if it was unplanned. A study from the World Health Organization found that 90% of women who were physically attacked during pregnancy were attacked by the father of their baby. Up to half experienced direct trauma to their abdomen.7
Domestic abuse is not just about physical violence. The charity Women’s Aid lists seven different main forms of domestic abuse, including:
Coercive control
Psychological and/or emotional abuse
Physical or sexual abuse
Financial or economic abuse
Harassment and stalking
Online or digital abuse
At the heart of any of these is often an attempt to control. A partner can be controlled through fear of what will happen if they trigger the abuse, or fear may be used as a form of abuse itself.
Signs you might be experiencing domestic abuse
Some aspects of abuse might be easier to spot than others. If someone physically hits you this is a clear marker. But remember, physical abuse doesn’t just involve physically hurting you. It might also include:
Threats to hurt you such as pretending to punch you, squaring up to you
Punching a wall or a sofa or throwing things
Hurting a pet
Threatening to hurt your children
Breaking your possessions
Driving too quickly with you or your children in the car
Restraining you and preventing you from leaving
Other forms of abuse may feel more subtle, which is most likely the aim of the abuser. Recently, ‘coercive control’ has been made a criminal offence. This type of abuse is based around control, limiting your ability to live a confident and ‘free’ life. Abusers use tactics such as slowly isolating their victim from other forms of support, making them financially dependent and undermining their confidence through humiliation, insults and intimidation.
Often from the outside these individuals look like great partners. They might be in good jobs, have lots of friends and be very sociable. In fact they thrive by presenting as one person to the outside world and then treating you very differently in private. You might have a night out with friends and think that the evening was great, but once you get home your partner starts telling you that you made a fool of yourself or them. Maybe they take you aside at a quiet moment and tell you this in public, or give you a private look to let you know they are not happy. They control you by making you doubt yourself and feel embarrassed or ashamed, while giving the impression that everyone else thinks they are wonderful.
Some signs you might be experiencing coercive control:
You are not allowed (or are strongly discouraged) to see family or friends
You get regular put-downs or attempts to embarrass or humiliate you
Your time is not your own; you have to ask to go out, rest or do hobbies
Your finances are strictly controlled
You are told, directly or subtly, what to wear
Your partner threatens to leave, telling you your life would be worthless without them
Sulking or silence when you don’t ‘behave’ or disappearing to punish you
Removing access to your things or hiding them
Preventing you from doing your work
Criticising you in front of others
Taking money from your purse or asking to borrow your card and spending money you didn’t say they could
Invading your privacy, e.g. hacking your email or looking at your phone
Spotting the abuse–forgiveness cycle
A key trick of abusers is to repeat a cycle in which they are abusive and then beg for your forgiveness. Many try to persuade you that it’s not really their fault: you pushed them into it, or other stressors in their life are so great that they just couldn’t help themselves. They might try to persuade you this is normal and happens in all relationships. Or suggest that you are overreacting and they didn’t do anything that bad.
They may also engage in ‘love bombing’, where they shower you with love, affection and gifts for a period of time until you forgive them. This then ebbs away, before they restart the abuse. This is a really common trick in cults, because it increases feelings of connection and obedience, meaning you are more likely to forgive and follow orders. It can be used positively with children when you spend lots of time concentrating on them – obviously without then pulling all affection away and abusing them.
I’m really not sure if this applies to me
If you recognise things in this chapter as applying to you and your relationship you might be worrying that you are overreacting or doubting whether they are occurring or not. This is really common and something that abusers will deliberately encourage you to feel so that you don’t leave. They may also try to whittle down your confidence – again so you don’t leave. Or limit your access to money – so you don’t leave.
The Freedom Programme is a brilliant online course that you can access for around £12. It talks through what a good relationship looks like, different signs of abuse and supports you in working out whether you are in an abusive relationship. You can find more about it here – there are different versions for men and women: freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php.
Practical steps to change your situation
If you recognise the signs of abuse and make the decision to leave then Women’s Aid has lots of information on how to access support on its website www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support The charity also has an excellent handbook on how to spot abuse and what to do next, including guidance for seeking alternative accommodation, your legal rights and money www. womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook These guides include information on helping you think through things like:
Finances
Housing
Supporting your children
Making an escape plan
Packing your belongings to leave
Your legal rights
Protecting yourself
You do not need to fear that your children will be taken away because you report being abused. In fact, one of the best things you can do for your children is to remove yourself from the situation. One of the most common risk factors for someone experiencing abuse is having seen their own father physically attack their mother. It becomes ‘normal’. Removing yourself from the situation and saying enough is enough sends an incredibly strong message to your children.8 All the evidence around the impact of separation on children’s wellbeing points to the fact that it is usually not the separation itself that causes any issues, but having to live in difficult or abusive circumstances. Again, removing yourself from the situation is one of the best things you can do for them.
Your next steps will be specific to you. If you have a job and income or family and friends who can help you then it may be easier than if you are more dependent on your partner. Do read through the guides – they have supported many people to leave abusive relationships and start again. A newer, more positive life is possible.
Read more here
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/domesticabuse-is-a-gendered-crime/
www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/domestic-abuse-victims-pregnant-support-service-england-a8846831.html
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/how-common-is-domestic-abuse/
McDonnell E, Holohan M, Reilly MO, Warde L, Collins C, Geary M. Acceptability of routine enquiry regarding domestic violence in the antenatal clinic. Ir Med J. 2006;99:123–4
Johnson JK, Haider F, Ellis K, Hay DM, Lindow SW. The prevalence of domestic violence in pregnant women. BJOG. 2003;110:272–5
Bacchus L, Mezey G, Bewley S. A qualitative exploration of the nature of domestic violence in pregnancy. Violence against women. 2006 Jun;12(6):588-604.
Ellsberg M, Jansen HA, Heise L, Watts CH, Garcia-Moreno C, WHO Multi-country Study on Women’s Health and Domestic Violence against Women Study Team. Lancet. 2008 Apr 5; 371(9619):1165-72
Jeyaseelan L, Sadowski LS, Kumar S, Hassan F, Ramiro L, Vizcarra B Inj Control Saf Promot. 2004 Jun; 11(2):117-24.