When Your Baby Cries
10 rules for soothing fretful babies ( and their parents) By Deborah Jackson
Bursting with practical ideas, reassurances and collected wisdoms, "When Your Baby Cries" will restore your sanity. Bestselling childcare author Deborah Jackson reminds us that babies soak up all the love we have to give. Here are ten effective ways to care for even the most distressed baby, while looking after your own needs as well as boosting your confidence. You can learn how to relax, become your own expert and deal with unwanted advice. You can find out how crying works and why it gets out of control. You can discover babies' secret signals and how to cope with colic. Crying babies and harassed parents everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief: here is a way to restore the harmony of family life. It comes with a new foreword by the author.
Babies will be babies
Instead of living in the present with their babies, many parents are preoccupied by the future. They fear that if the baby is nursed on demand, carried everywhere, cuddled at night, they will never be able to move him on from these ‘habits’. But, of course, they will. When it comes to childcare, it is important to live for today. Don’t be afraid to start what you think you can’t finish!
Remember you’re the grown-up – you can change tack whenever you want. Early babyhood demands an intense kind of parenting that the older child simply wouldn’t appreciate. We put babies in nappies without worrying that they’ll still need them at twenty-five. We feed them on fruit purées knowing that they’ll soon progress to solid meals.
The more security you offer a small baby, the more secure he becomes. The formula is simple – and it works. Later, there will be time for letting go, for weaning towards independence, for introducing discipline and responsibility. But a baby should be allowed to be a baby.
Some days, your baby will want to nurse more – that’s OK. Some days he may sleep less – that’s fine, too. Nowhere in this rulebook will you find a prescription for your baby’s behaviour. Babies don’t need prescriptions because they are perfectly able to self-regulate. How much simpler it is to act on this belief than to go through early years of anxiety and mistrust.
I was once asked by a young newspaper reporter how babies learn to fall asleep. I had to explain that babies don’t need to learn this skill – they fall asleep by themselves while in the womb and continue to do so after birth. She was genuinely amazed by such an idea. And yet it is a common misconception that babies must be ‘taught’ to sleep. Sometimes, we really get babies’ needs upside down. It’s not sleep that babies object to, it’s being left alone while they do it.
It’s a similar story with breastfeeding. Some health professionals have a dislike for demand-nursing, yet the most successful breastfeeding in the world takes place in cultures that put no limits on the frequency or length of feeds. Most babies like to suckle little and often.* Equipped with a baggy jumper and an open mind, a mother can feed her baby anywhere and people around her cannot even see what’s going on.
Let’s think about babies in Asia, Africa and South America – the ones who are rarely heard to cry. They are no different from our babies – they didn’t know which continent they were going to land in. The main difference in their lives is that their parents are not cynical about their infantile needs. They simply let them be babies, indulging them for the first few months, even years, trusting absolutely that they will, one day, stop being so needy. Much held, their babies have very little to cry for.
Babies think they are at the centre of the universe. We know differently, of course, but I believe they should be granted their post-natal fantasy. Why shouldn’t tiny humans be allowed to wallow in pleasure-seeking, selfcentred, ego-forming delight? It’s true that babies can seem sponge-like in their ability to soak up every ounce of energy you’ve got. But we must never forget the cycle of pleasure to be gained in giving. And I do believe that society’s desire to raise happy, independent children is best served by enjoying and indulging babies while they are small.
We need to trust in our babies at every stage in their development. They all grow up in the end.
*Bottle-fed babies have a different pattern. They tend to feed less frequently and more regularly, but still appreciate tender cuddles and lots of physical contact.
Did you know?
Human infants, like baby monkeys, are programmed to respond to their carers in three overlapping stages: 1) using their early reflexes; 2) showing affectionate attachment (smiling, gurgling, etc.); 3) seeking security (running for comfort and protection). Finally, they reach independence. According to social scientist Ashley Montagu, ‘the most important of the young animal’s experiences, for its subsequent development, is bodily contact with its mother . . .’
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