Baby Loss Awareness Week - Your Postnatal Body
A top to toe guide to caring for yourself after pregnancy and birth
You matter. Your body matters.
Pregnancy and birth may be everyday occurrences, but they are not easy, and the after-affects can be wide-ranging and sometimes difficult to live with.
Taking care of your physical and mental health is paramount, not only because a healthy, happy you will be more able to cope with the demands of parenthood, but because you are still the whole human being you were before you conceived, and you deserve to recover and thrive.
With proper care postnatally, we can strengthen and support our bodies to recover – and maintain optimal physical health for life.
This book aims to hold your hand and lift you up as you navigate your new body, giving you information to help you to relish motherhood, not just survive it. It deals comprehensively with the common bodily changes you may experience after birth, explaining what is normal and what may need attention.
Research and interviews with health experts are complemented by women’s experiences of how they overcame a range of physical challenges postpartum, including stories that often go untold. The book does not shy away from tackling the hardest aspects of postnatal recovery, but aims to be hopeful and genuinely helpful.
Not only will you understand your body better, but you’ll also gain confidence that you can and will get back to optimum health. Your Postnatal Body is relevant for everyone who’s given birth, whether you are a brand-new first-time mum or already a few years (or decades!) into motherhood.
Stillbirth and neonatal death.
Your body may be the last thing on your mind after experiencing stillbirth or losing your baby after birth (neonatal death). Unfortunately, our bodies will still behave as they would if you had been able to take your baby home. This can come as a crushing shock and be deeply distressing.
As I have not experienced late pregnancy loss/baby loss, stillbirth or neonatal death, I asked mothers who had experienced this if they would feel comfortable sharing with me their postpartum experience. I was overwhelmed with the generosity of these women, who, having already been through so much, were willing to reflect on this difficult time and share their experiences to help others.
Alex Barr, a staff nurse from Dorset, lost her daughter, Marnie, in 2020, which has been proven to have been due to clinical negligence. She told me ‘There really is no mention of your postnatal body after loss of any kind, that I’m aware of, and in my case stillbirth. While in hospital and then when home, no healthcare professional had any kind of discussion about how I was feeling physically.’ She went on to explain how the emptiness felt truly physical, as well as emotional, and that she now knows she suffered with ‘empty arms syndrome’, which manifested as a real ache in her arms, such was her need to hold her baby. Alex’s grief had a massive impact on her recovery. ‘It impacted my ability to think clearly and to be able to look after myself. Initially, I had no desire to eat, drink, take painkillers to help with the discomfort of endometritis (a womb infection caused by the birth), exercise or sleep.’ Alex already had an older son so she was aware that she should have had a postnatal check-up, and she knew how important all of the above was for her healing, but she was understandably struggling so much emotionally that it took all of her will just to get out of bed every day, for the sake of her family. She found her family a huge support in encouraging her to do little things each day, such as cooking from scratch together to both distract and nourish her, but she found it extremely hard that she was abandoned by her healthcare providers. ‘It was as if my postnatal health didn’t matter because my baby had died.’
Alex took cabergoline (a stimulant of dopamine receptors in the brain which also inhibits release of prolactin by the pituitary) to stop her lactating, but she still experienced some symptoms, which she found very difficult to deal with. She had not contemplated her milk coming in and she took the medication to help relieve some of this added trauma. Alex also did regular sitz baths, once her womb infection had cleared, with lavender and witch hazel to help treat her small tear, as ‘your grief is even worse when you are physically in pain from giving birth. In my experience, this pain is much easier to deal with when you have a baby in your arms, not when they are empty.’ On that note, Alex recommends two ways to help ease the ‘empty arms syndrome’ she suffered: first, taking the time to really hug any children you may already have, and second, connecting with Aching Arms – a charity founded by bereaved parents who provide comfort teddy bears for other parents to hold on to as they go through the grieving process. Alex describes grief as ‘not linear, it’s messy and unkind and it has a massive impact on you physically.’ She went on to have another child via caesarean section which she felt helped her in the postpartum period as it was not reminiscent of her other birthing experiences and gave her an element of control. For other mothers going through this awful experience, Alex recommends taking each day as it comes, sleeping when you feel tired, eating wholesome food and exercising when you can: ‘Home-cooked, fresh, healthy foods really helped the physical recovery. We also did a lot of walking too, to try and get out and make sense of what had happened. Although this felt like the biggest hurdle each time, just to leave the house, when we did – it really did help.’
I also spoke with a local friend, Lucy Bennington, about her experience after losing her daughter, Amber. Amber passed away at nine days old after being treated in NICU for severe hypoxia (lack of oxygen). Lucy is keen to stress that many babies with hypoxia make a full recovery, but they were not so lucky. She told me how physical the pain is after such a seismic loss. She told me she was floored by how her arms physically ached and how her chest hurt as if she could feel her heart breaking. Lucy was given Sudafed to help reduce milk production, which is an ‘off-label’ use (i.e. where the clinical studies to demonstrate the treatment is effective for that indication have not yet been done), which she felt worked, and some steroids for the hives which covered her stomach and legs.
It was illuminating speaking to Lucy, as it was so obvious that the emotions, and the physical manifestation of these emotions, were so clear she could almost touch them, but any physical discomfort was much harder to recall. This was despite an episiotomy, forceps delivery, losing a lot of blood and being so weak she almost passed out. This goes to show how little attention women going through this trauma are able to pay to their bodies, and how much care from others they therefore need. After saying goodbye to Amber, Lucy knew she really needed the care of her own parents. Luckily, both her parents and her partner’s stepped in. Lucy says, ‘Dave went home and cleared all the baby stuff away. I went back to my parents, and just stayed. There was never a conversation, it just happened.’ Lucy says this period of time with her parents was what really helped her heal, more so than any subsequent therapy. This is because her parents not only cosseted her, but allowed her to replay the events again and again as she tried to make sense of what had happened. She felt she could also break down emotionally as much as she needed. This was reflected back to her by her parents, who, having also been present at the birth, were suffering immense anguish as well. Lucy says that this way of grieving freely, and together, and the permission to relive the experience, was healing. She also remembers sitting with her mum brushing her hair, as she felt too weak to do anything for herself. Her mum felt the need to mother her daughter in this way, and Lucy felt that she needed it. Lucy also tells me that she found taking baths very therapeutic, as being in the water itself felt healing, and she feels it encourages the tears out. Lucy went on to have two sons after Amber, Nathan and Rupert, and she chose planned caesarean sections, the same as Alex. She felt very well-cared for throughout her pregnancies, although they were anxious times. She was surprised at how fast she healed after the abdominal births, although the second one was tougher as she already had a high-energy three-year-old to look after. Lucy feels her care after losing Amber was poor, with a lack of empathy from some staff in the hospital as well as her GP at the six-week check. Lucy’s advice, for anyone in a similarly heartbreaking situation, is to reach out to other mothers going through it too. She said, ‘It’s the club no one wants to join, but they are the only ones who will understand. You form such a strong bond with these other women. I am still in touch, years later. We get each other through it.’
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